The first thing to remember is that you are not alone. I sat directly in your shoes and I know how you are feeling.
I was 20 years old when I stood up and read my mom’s eulogy after her battle with brain cancer was over. I had spent the last four years in a single-parent household and my mom had become one of my best friends. She was the toughest person I will ever meet and fought her battle with cancer as bravely as one can.
That didn’t change the fact that she was now gone and I was still here… seemingly alone.
Since her passing in 2017, I have learned many lessons of one’s grief journey. Mostly by doing things the wrong way and paying the emotional price. I am passing along some of my learnings to you in the hope that they may help you out and provide some comfort during what is probably one of the hardest times of your life.
- Give Others PermissionAs time passes, less and less people will talk about your loved one. That is a harsh reality to come to terms with. Once the initial “sorry for your loss” and “I remember when” comments are through it seems as though people forget.This frustrated me. I didn’t want to forget my mom and her impact on the world during her 47 years of life. I wanted people to care about her as much as I did. I wanted them to ask my questions. Not just about how I was doing but about who she was as a person.Death makes people uncomfortable. This is a topic that make people avoid because no one knows how the person who is grieving will respond. Will you burst into tears and sob uncontrollably? Or worse will you become enraged and be upset with them? I happen to be a genuinely upbeat and happy person, so both of the later were out of the question for me… but they didn’t know that.
As time passed I started to have feelings of resentment. Towards my closest friends and family. Why are we acting like she didn’t exist? Doesn’t anyone want to talk about my mom with me?
It all clicked for me one day as I talked to a friend who had just experienced the loss of a parent as well. I asked one simple question, “what do you miss most about them?”
Suddenly the gates were open and so many stories and lessons came busting out. By the end of the conversation, my friend was saying, “wow it felt so good to talk about my dad again, it’s been so long. Thank you.”
There it was. The magic to how a certain subset of people deal with grief. Talking about your loved one. I was able to set the stage for this because I knew what they were going through, but you can’t expect everyone in the world to read your mind and know that you are okay talking about it.
That is why you have to give them permission.
No, you don’t have to outright say “I give you permission to talk about my deceased mother.”
I have started working it into conversations when it presents itself. Using phrases like “that reminds me of something my mom told me…” or “my mom always used to…”
By opening that door and giving your friends and family permission they will know that talking about it isn’t out of bounds and is something that is welcomed.
This will provide you the platform to keep your loved ones legacy alive and will aid you throughout your journey with grief.
- Write things down.It’s a scary moment the day you realize it becomes hard to remember what your loved one’s face looked like. The key to that is to not try and picture just their face, but picture a memory you have of them. Whether that is driving in the car, playing catch as a kid, or singing in church.
The greater issue for me was when I started to forget the details in the stories my mom used to tell or the lessons she would share with me.
So I started writing down the memories as they came to mind. Even if it was just a couple of details. That turned into me writing full-blown stories about the time we shared together and then recapping how I felt. I have not gone to therapy or any sort of grief counseling, (though I probably should) but writing these stories and emotions out definitely helped me process what I was going through.
These don’t have to be structured journal entries or anything like that. Just put the pen on paper and let your mind take you places that you didn’t expect.
If it helps you can think about particular time periods. One fond memory I have with my mom is when I pranked her with one of those fake sticks of gum that shocks you.
She screamed SO loudly and then chased me around the house. I was sprinting my heart out and laughing hysterically the entire way.
Write down the stories and write down the way they make you feel. It will help.
- Cut Yourself Some Slack
You can’t turn back the clock. No matter how hard you beat yourself up you can’t go back and use the time you had more wisely. You can’t “not take things for granted.”The only thing you are doing is wasting the time you have on this Earth. The sooner you realize this the better. I suffered with an immense feeling of guilt for a long time. My mom’s cancer went downhill super quickly.I remember leaving my house on Wednesday to drive to Indianapolis for an internship interview on Thursday. After the interview on Thursday, I spent one more night in Indy with the girl I was talking to at the time. By the time I got home on Friday, my grandma had checked her into Hospice and she was non-responsive. She passed that Sunday.
That last thing she ever said to me was some variation of good luck, go knock ‘em dead, I love you…. I think. I honestly can’t remember.
The gravity of the situation hadn’t occurred to me. I didn’t realize that as I walked out the door that would be the last time I ever talked with my mom.
That shit ate me up for a long time.
I was so angry with myself. How could I be so selfish?
Finally one day I came to terms with myself. What good was giving myself the third degree going to do?
The only thing I could do was work to be better in the future and support the ones that I care about better than I had as a 20-year-old.
When I finally cut myself some slack I felt so much mental space clear up.
This has helped me immeasurably in building relationships since her passing. I do my best to care as deeply as I can about the people that are important to me. In my opinion, this mindset has made me a far better person, and for that I am grateful.
Moving forward after losing a parent
Everyone is on their own grief journey, and I am sure you will have your own battles to fight. My goal is to help you avoid the mistakes that I made. Or at the very least hurt a little less.
You are not on an island here. Every day this community of people who have lost a parent grows. It’s not fun but ultimately we all will go through it.
There are people feeling the way you feel and trying to make it to a better place. This is one of the reasons I started Memorybanc. I know there are others that wish they would have asked more questions and documented more stories while they still had the time.
