My family’s battle with terminal illness
When I was 19 years old my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer.
I remember that night like it was yesterday. I had driven her to the emergency room because she had an unbearable headache that had lasted for almost 36 hours. The doctor ran some tests on her and then escorted us to a small room to wait. She laid on the bed with the pillow over her head writhing in agony until the pain meds they gave her kicked in and she finally found some relief.
After about 30 minutes a very kind doctor came through the door and asked if I could join her in the hallway. She didn’t have a smile on her face as she stared into what felt like my soul and delivered the hardest news I have ever received.
“Your mom has a tumor on her brain that is pressing against her skull and creating an enormous amount of pressure in her head.” That was where it all went dark for me.
The conversation might have been a minute or two long but I don’t remember much of the end of it. I remember her saying they could give her some steroids to reduce the swelling and make the pain managable while they figure out the right plan.
I walked outside the hospital and cried like a small child as I paced the perimeter of the hospital on that cold December night. I felt debilitated.
When the shock lifted I was left with one resounding question. What do we do now?
Between different treatments and a plethora of medical terms that went way over my head I will spare you the details of the care plan that the hospital put together and focus on the at home morale plan that I devised.
I still can’t fathom how she felt when the doctor redelivered that same news again the next day. Tim McGraw has one of the most powerful songs when it comes to terminal illness. Live Like You Were Dying gives me goosebumps to this day. I listened to that song on repeat trying to put myself in her shoes. My mom Susan was 47 years old when she got the news.
As my mind raced one thought kept resurfacing. My kids will never know the kind soul that is my mother. They will never get to share the hilarious jokes that made you laugh until your sides hurt, or her immensely generous nature. I will have to tell them all of these stories secondhand. That was a hard pill to swallow.
So I went out and bought her a composition journal and asked her to document her journey.
As her condition worsened over the next four months I would remind her from time to time to write in her journal but I never asked about what she was writing. I left that up to her.
Hindsight that was a terrible idea. Imagine knowing your time on Earth was being cut short and someone asked you to write your entire life story in the pages of a book. Where would you start? What would you say?
After she passed in April of 2017 I sat down and read what she had written. This journal means the world to me, but it left me with so many questions. Questions that I now can never have answered.
If I could do it all over again here are a few of the questions I would make sure to ask her as she outlined her life’s story and passed down her wisdom.
5 Questions to Ask A Loved One With a Terminal Illness
- What is your greatest accomplishment?
At this point it might be too late to cross off everything on their bucket list. Instead of focusing on all the things they haven’t done in their life, I think it’s powerful to reach into their memories of the amazing things they have done. - What is a time when you were genuinely happy?
Maybe it’s a family vacation or singing in the church choir. Find out the things that make them truly happy. This is a double whammy. It will allow you to try and put more of that into their life while there is still time. It will also make you appreciate those moments more for the entirety of your life. - What is a lesson you learned the hard way?
Give them the chance to share some of their wisdom with you. Whether it’s a parent, grandparent, sibling, or close friend, they want to help you succeed. This gives them the opportunity to add value to your life long after they have passed. - What character traits do you want to be remembered for?
Let them brag about themselves. Find out what they believe is the best parts of them. This will also give you the opportunity to reinforce those traits during the time you have left. - Who is your biggest role model in life?
They aren’t going to be around forever. Hopefully the person they choose is still living. This will give you the opportunity to look to that person for guidance and comfort when you are going through troubling times. If it is someone famous, it will give you the opportunity to dive deeper into why they look up to this person. There are lessons to be learned on your end either way.
Cherish the time you have left
My biggest recommendation is to use the time you have remaining wisely. Don’t spend it sulking in all of the things you wish you would have done and spend it doing as much as you can.
My high school coach taught me to sprint through the finish line and that is my advice for supporting a loved one with terminal illness as well.
Obviously, you don’t want to overwhelm them or anything like that, and surely they are processing it their own way as well. But if you focus on being a light in their life it will go a long way.
